Why I Hate Springtime in DC

First off, I enjoy the warmer weather. I love that it stays lighter outside later in the evening. It's all great. Yet there are things out there that also arise at the onset of spring.

The first of which is interns. Yes, interns. Those uppity college kids thinking they're the hottest thing going. They love not getting paid as long as they can tell their other intern friends how great they think they are and how much they're making a difference. I can't even wallow in the life that is my cubicle at any bar because all the interns are having their intern happy hours. Talking about how cool it is to work for free. And somehow they can still afford to go out and drink? You can always spot them on the metro. While I'm trying to figure out the sudoku puzzle, they're busy talking to one another about the kickball league they joined or how they friended someone on Facebook that works on Capitol Hill. Completely annoying. They're as bad as illegal immigrants. But at least the illegals own a car and don't bother me on metro.

Another thing I hate during springtime: tourists. This includes kids on school trips, families sightseeing, and foreigners. Why do the big groups of tourists feel the need to use metro during rush hour? I understand you want to see all the sites, but the monuments aren't going anywhere. Do yourself a favor: sleep in, grab breakfast, and then wait to get on metro. You'll just get frustrated that the train cars are packed. Plus all the people on their way to/from work will have no sympathy for someone on vacation trying to board a packed metro car. And for crying out loud, stand to the right on the metro escalators! I understand you're trying to bring in revenue for the area's tourism industry, but you'd make a lot of people less angry if you didn't stop to figure out where you are when you directly get off of an escalator. It's not the best place to stand when a guy is running to catch a train.

Farewell, Creepy Motel

If you're not familiar with Fredericksburg, VA's lodging industry, you've missed a golden opportunity. The Twi-Lite Motel [this landmark doesn't even have a website..so you know it's 5-star] located on Route 1 is closing its doors to the shady and lawfully-challenged residents of the 540. My alma mater, the University of Mary Washington, has purchased the property for $1.5 million- that's about $800k over the assessed value.

UMW has purchased the land surounding the motel as part of its new Eagle Village. Once constructed over the current low-income shopping haven, it will be an oasis for hipster and yuppie college kids looking to avoid the droll of Fredericksburg's soon-to-be un-cool places to hang out (e.g. historic downtown and Central Park). Although, I'm sure the most pretentious (read: "original") of said yuppies and hipsters will prefer downtown only to say that they were true to their roots or some other bogus claim to assert their being cooler than you. Anyways, the original Eagle Village plan didn't incorporate the Twi-Lite Motel, so you could imagine the ire of snooty university officials willing to do/pay anything to acquire the body-fluid stained motel. I'm not adding that in for dramatic effect either. There were many instances of people being stabbed/shot/bludgeoned/smothered at the motel. Not to mention all the call girls.

So if you were investing a boat-load of money to expand your university by adding a brand new commercial/residential complex for your students, the last thing you'd want for a neighbor is a building full of skeezy guys with various women of the night charging by the hour. And I'm not talking about the women- it's the motel that charges by the hour.

So fare thee well, Twi-lite Motel. Aside from being a den of sin for drug addicts, sexual predators, and lonely old men, you had a good run. Here's a quick look back at some of your glorious skidmarks:

August 1989: a badly decomposed body was found inside a car parked behind the motel.

September 1989: woman gives birth to a 4-pound, 14-ounce girl there.

February 1991: a maid discovered the body of a Richmond woman in the motel.

August 1996: a man blew up a quarter stick of dynamite at the motel and chased passers-by with a machete.

September 2004: a man's body was found in a trash bin at the motel.

Wednesday Special: Nobody Cares Edition

DC United, our very own MLS (major league soccer aka the league of obscurity) team is making national local headlines. Apparently they want to move out of RFK ruins stadium and head into the 301. More specifically, Prince George's county. The problem is there isn't enough state funding to build the new stadium because team owners only want to foot 25% of the bill. Maryland state legislators are naturally asking WTF???

What's more depressing: actually wanting to move to PG county, or the fact that nobody cares?

St Patty's Day Post: Leprechaun Sighting

The amateur sketch in the clip sold me:


Then they made a rap tune about it.

What's up with the 540?

Below the 703 lives the 540. It's a pretty scary place sometimes. From Fredericksburg to Blacksburg, you could get lost in this place if not careful. I say it's scary because they are totally cool with you jumping off a bridge to kill yourself. Yeah, they won't stop you. One bridge in particular that spans I-95. I've driven over it countless times. Apparently it's a suicide hot-spot. In the last two years, four people have done a Greg Louganis off the bridge. And VDOT still has no plans to erect any kind of barrier on that bridge. Sweet.

So if the recession or Megan Fox still not being single has gotten you down, Virginia is clearly the place for you. Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Friday Craziness: The C-Word Edition (Vol.3)

Not that c-word. I'm talking about controversy.

Have you noticed it's everywhere these days? Between the Cramer v. Stewart ratings ploy, Michael Steele opening his mouth, shady Obama administration officials, that missing Hayleigh girl's dad marrying the 17yo girlfriend/babysitter, the Oprah telling more people how to live their lives, and sexting, I can't find any newsworthy stories anywhere on the internets.

News outlets are becoming more and more about entertainment and less about anything of substance. If you scroll down Fox News Channel, they've got a slew of BS articles that are fit for the supermarket tabloids. I'm not saying I think FNC is a legit news channel (it's not, they hire commentators- not journalists), but if they're trying to spin themselves off as one, they might want to focus on real news. Just a thought.

Maybe this is all part of our political-correctness paranoia. We've all grown accustomed to living in a PC world (unfortunately), and anytime anyone anywhere does something out-of-bounds, it's blown way out of proportion and the c-word is slapped around ad nauseum. It's craziness, I tell you.

OMG Bristol Palin is like Totally Available

The media hounds are all over this salacious bit of gossip, but I could've told you this was coming. Celebrity couples never last. Right, Jennifer Aniston?

I guess the good thing about all of this is that Hollywood tells us single moms are an easy pick-up. I'm sure Sarah Palin, aware of this universal phenomenon, is considering the options of sending her PR nightmare of a daughter to an all-girl boarding school or just locking her in a cage for a couple of years. I know there's one guy out there that's a maverick at picking up younger women who is absolutely delighted Levi is out of the picture...

Twitter is for Suckas

One of the more annoying technologies permeating the area is twitter. If you don't know what twitter is, or what it means to tweet, basically you submit short updates (up to 140-characters) via mobile phone/IM/stolen wifi to your twitter website. People subscribed to your twitter page can then view your posted updates until they know your daily habits well enough to pull a Mr. Ripley on you.

The introverts that came up with twitter designed it to be a way to keep people updated between blog posts. I think it's just another way for that stalker you don't know about to keep better tabs on you. Regardless, nobody interesting even has a twitter account. Unless you have an unhealthy fascination about what John McCain is doing right now. Here's a list of people I think should have twitter pages:

1. Chris Brown
2. Jim Cramer
3. Coolio
4. Robert Downey Jr
5. Chris Cooley
6. David Hasselhoff
7. Jesus

The point is, the majority of people don't care what you're doing 24/7. That's why I think twitter is for suckas.

Michelle Obama. So Choice.

Is there anything Michelle Obama can't do while sporting the latest J. Crew clothing line? We all know she's got it goin' on, but I didn't know she could make community service look this sexy. I think the hottest part about this photo is the latex gloves. I bet she didn't want to wear them because it clashed with her ensemble, but caved in at the sight of getting that mushroom risotto under her well-manicured nails. By the way, I thought we were in a recession. What kind of fancy pants soup kitchen serves risotto? Any time I volunteered for community service, lunch was usually a just cold ham and cheese sandwich and something that resembled beef stew.

I think she did a good thing- it's never bad to give back to the community. But sometimes I wonder what she'd look like in mom jeans and a sweatshirt.

Rhymin' Michael Steele

I was going to make a video like this, but these guys totally beat me to it.

Weather Madness

Anyone familiar with the weather around DC can sum it up like this: FUBAR. Case in point- the last week.

3/1/09: 20 degrees Fahrenheit + snow storm poops out several inches of that white stuff
3/8/09: 70 degrees Fahrenheit + babes in bikinis

(fingers crossed on that bikini part)

Even the weather experts are stumped...


I'm just gonna chalk it up to global warming and call it a day. Fire up the grill and enjoy the weekend, folks!

Friday Craziness: Rush Limbaugh Edition (Vol.2)

I'm sure you're well aware of the recent string of public apologies issued by Republicans to Rush Limbaugh. RNC Chairman Michael Steele, Rep. Phil Gingrey (R-GA), Gov. Mark Sanford (R-SC) have all issued apologies to Limbaugh after commenting on Limbaugh's "I hope Obama fails" kindergarten rant. Honestly, I don't care about this but I can't watch 20 minutes of news without someone bringing this back up. I don't know which is worse: the fact that this is getting so much press, or that grown men have to apologize for inane comments that aren't really all that offensive.

That's why I find the ongoing sissy fight between Limbaugh and Steele particularly comical. Steele said Rush was "incendiary" and an "entertainer", then apologized for those remarks. As to appear unscathed by the attack, Rush said he was no longer Steele's BFF. But we all know Rush has been crying at night, watching old Molly Ringwald movies alone, and eating copious amount of rocky road ice cream since Steele's betrayal. But I don't judge- we've all been there.

I think the real issue here is that someone named their kid Rush Limbaugh. That's almost on par with all of those god-awful celebrity kids' names. I don't care what I did, I'd never apologize to someone with a funny name. Not because I'm conceited, but I just couldn't put the words together to say "I'm sorry, Rush" while keeping a straight face. Plus the guy looks like CNN's blowhard chump Lou Dobbs.

Rush Limbaugh was put here to annoy us. Nothing he said in the past had any effect on the course of history, and nothing he says or does in the future will matter either. The sooner we come to terms with that, the sooner we can just live our lives. Who takes their political cues from a prescription drug addict anyways?

By the way, this whole thing wouldn't have happened between real men. I mean, could you honestly see this playing out with the guys you know? Here's how it'd go...

Guy1: I hope Obama fails.
Guy2: You want to grab some Five Guys?

End of story.

Countdown to Armageddon: 19 days

In some circles, March 24, 2009 is going to be the worst day ever for the DC area. You might be asking yourself why. Some people will also google the date, hoping to get some clarity into this. Let me spell it out with just four terrifying words. Britney. Spears. Verizon. Center.

She's coming to town and I couldn't be less thrilled. Most of you know my long-standing loathing for Spears. I practically reveled at her 2007-08 self-destructive solo tour. The main take-away from my previous rants was that people shouldn't be shocked/offended/OMG-ing at all the crazy stuff she's done. In case you forgot, here's the short list:

• barefoot public bathroom romps
• putting her kid in her lap while she drives
• not wearing underroos
• shaving her head
• marrying white trash
• divorcing white trash
• financing white trash's "hip-hop" record
• losing custody of her kids to white trash
• hitting parked cars

She's from Lousiana, ok? You can't expect some country bumpkin to act like the next Audrey Hepburn. It's just not possible. Especially in Hollywood, where people want you to succeed just as much as they want you to fail. Money is made off of the good and bad things that people do. I blame the paparazzi, but if no one was obsessed with the celebrity lifestyle, then maybe people like Britney wouldn't have it so bad. But it doesn't look like it's getting any better. Websites like TMZ and perezhilton are just the beginning. Pretty soon, there'll be 24/7 celebrity news-channels. Oh wait, I forgot about E!

But sometimes I wonder if all this discontentment for Britney is really aimed at the obsession society has with celebrities. Either way, both are superficial and don't contribute a thing to the progress of humanity. And DC welcomes that whirlwind of craziness with open arms. Not me, folks.

But at least Marion Barry is out of the hospital with a fresh kidney.