Baggage to the Maximus

I was recently at McFadden's enjoying a night of merriment and drink. It would be an understatement to say the bar was crowded. Trying to order a drink was a physical ordeal- pushing your way past the hordes to get the bartenders' attention. That was the easy part. Navigating your way back through the human obstacle course without spilling your beer was the more challenging endeavor.

And then I saw it. Something that frustrated me so badly I new I was going to blog about it later. There was a group of women blocking the only path to my table. The only thing that made this mundane observation extraordinary was the fact that each of them had a monstrosity over their shoulders. The only awesome part about this bunch was that they looked like they had just been rejected from a casting call of The Hills. All glammed up, but obviously pissed off at something "important". I think it was due mostly to the fact that two of the girls had similar looking bags. It was obscene how big these things were given the size of the crowd in the bar. They could have smuggled one of Octo-mom's fat, ugly babies in there with ease. One of them even had the nerve to look angry when I tried to get by, using my free hand to push her arm luggage aside. I don't even want to know what would've happened if I had spilled beer on it.

What's the point of these ridiculous bags? To keep a comfortable barrier between them and pervy guys? Are they trying to frustrate people with a blatant display of ignorance? Is it a status thing? Maybe it's a theft deterrent? I mean, who'd get away trying to steal a purse that size? Or are they just trying to deflect attention away from their lack of intelligence/personality/anything meaningful?

Either way, I'm not a fan. It looks like they're just trying to shoplift formula and diapers from Harris Teeter.

The New Dominion

Many of you are wondering what is happening in the Old Dominion. Virginia is turning blue. Not in the passe, emo hipster kind of way. I mean politically (and everything that comes with it).

We first felt it back in 2006- Jim Webb (D) won by the slimmest of margins over George Macaca Allen (R) in a tight Senate race. Democrats grabbed the other Senate seat two years later when Mark Warner (D) replaced old-timer John Warner (R). And in the House, Democrats hold six of the eleven seats. I'm with Joe McCain on this one: blame the communists in northern Virginia.


More recently, these communists swung Virginia blue in the 2008 Presidential election for the first time in over 40 years. The Virginia General Assembly also passed into law a bill that contained both the words "smoking" and "ban", making it clear that Virginia politics is no longer a friend of lobbyists and special interest groups. What the hell is going on? It's clear that "nova" is turning into the San Francisco of the east coast. Pretty soon the gays are going to march their DC parades into Tysons Corner. They've already taken hold of George Mason University, the last Virginia bastion of decency. You'll be seeing more of those communist farmer's market, too. I wouldn't hold it past Nancy Pelosi to bring Rice-a-roni and cable-car trolleys to our streets as well. This spread of liberal propaganda is moving throughout Virginia with a slow, painful, and rainbow-clad death. This can be a dangerous thing when the rest of Virginia owns a lot of guns and is OK with the death penalty.

So tread cautiously in those Birkenstocks, hippies.

Government: Spending Your Money So You Don't Have To

You'd think people would be a little bit more financially savvy in this down economy, right? Or that government would, for a change, start spending wisely. Wasn't that their whole motto? Responsible government?

It wasn't that long ago when the CEOs of the big three automakers (GM, Ford, and Chrysler) were berated on Capital Hill for using their corporate jets to fly from Detroit to DC. At the time, Congress was trying to figure out the best way to financially bail them out to the tune of billions, yet each automaker spent tens of thousands by using their own corporate jet. The WaPo writer likened it to this: showing up at a soup kitchen in a tuxedo. And that's exactly what it was. Wasteful corporate spending. The CEOs didn't fly a commercial flight or even jet-pool together to get to DC. They were verbally impaled by congressional criticism for this lavish oversight. And rightly so.

So why isn't anyone saying anything when the government is equally wasteful? They've allocated about $1 TRILLION worth of taxpayers' money to bail out corporations and they're STILL exhibiting the spending habits of an annoying shopaholic.

Exhibit A: Nancy Pelosi. Why does the Speaker of the House need to go to Italy? What part of her job description deals with international affairs? Why does she need to meet with the Pope? Why does she need to spend a week racking up hotel bills? Why did she have to bring seven other Democrats? Of course this was all funded by the US taxpayer. As if we had any money left. I can't afford a week-long Italian vacation! And Nancy gets to go on my dime. I hope she drank a lot of Peroni and then puked in the Trevi Fountain. Because that's what I would've done on my trip to Rome.

Friday Craziness: MD Edition (Vol.1)

Exhibit A: Collin McKenzie-Gude. Don't remember this crazy person? Last year, law enforcement raided his home and found the following:

• A map of Camp David (with presidential route marked)
• Documentation on sniping tactics
• Two forged government ID badges, one claiming he was a CIA employee
• A list containing the names and addresses of several of his former teachers
• A cache of firearms including assault rifles, shotguns, a handgun (in addition to ammunition)
• Fifty pounds of chemicals, including several gallons of liquid used for homemade explosives
• A "to-do" list that mentions buying equipment to convert semi-automatic rifles to fully-automatic and range-finding goggles (like the ones snipers use)
  

But the crazy doesn't stop there. He's only 18. And while police raided his house, he unsuccessfully tried to car-jack a 78 year old man in the parking lot of White Flint Mall hoping to evade authorities. How do you unsuccessfully steal a car from a senior citizen? That's just crazy. He's currently in jail awaiting trial in Maryland.

Too bad Guantanamo is slated to close. He could've been the Taliban's new token white guy since John Walker Lindh can't come out and play anymore.

A Moral Dilemma

Have you ever tried to purchase a $3 metro farecard using a $20 bill?

I only ask because if you haven't had the experience of lugging 5 pounds of quarters and dimes in your cargo pants pocket, you clearly haven't lived.

A couple months ago, I had such a dilemma. I forgot my SmarTrip card at home and only had $22 in my wallet. I needed $3.25. Van Dorn metro can be a pretty lonely place in the morning. No shops to break the $20. The metro station manager was as reliable as the metro system itself (read: not very helpful). All the people in line didn't have change or were too rushed to even notice my plea. I sort of felt like a beggar asking for spare change. I could see the next blue line train to Largo was arriving in four minutes and I certainly did not want to get on it with a bowl of change.

Then suddenly I saw him. Had he been there the whole time or did he just appear out of nowhere? My first reaction was to dismiss the thought completely. However, I noticed he was clutching something in his hand- a McDonald's cup. And from the sound of it, it was full of change. But how do you ask a homeless person for $1.25 in change? Are you even allowed to do that? Total role reversal, but the guy had the better half of a McDonald's cup full and the day was young. So I mustered up some courage and walked over to him.

The first thing I noticed was a slight whiff of urine.

"Excuse me, sir, I know this might seem inappropriate, but I was wondering if you could spare me some change?", I asked ever so politely.

"Huh? What the hell, is this a joke? This is all I got. Are you trying to get funny with me?", he replied.

"No, sir. You see, I'm $1.25 short for my metro fare and I noticed you had a cup full of change and..."

"...and you thought it was OK to ask me? A poor person? Get the hell out of here, man." I started to walk away. "Hey, you do know those fare card machines take credit cards, right?" I hadn't thought of that. "F*cking idiot".

Of course, homeless man was right. They do take credit cards. And I did feel like an idiot. On the train ride into work, I felt a little embarrassed. But at least I didn't smell like pee.

In the Market for a New Home?

Banita Jacks' home is still on the market. Most of you recall last year's tragedy, where US Marshals discovered the decomposing bodies of Banita's four children. A year later, the home has been put for auction without success and is now listed for sale in many publications. Now I may not be a qualified expert in real estate, but if you're going to be in charge of selling something with such an infamous history, try to spruce the place up a little. WTOP has the story, but if you're the agent trying to sell the house - Carlton Hill - why not put a fresh coat of paint on the walls where the bodies were found? If you want that commission, Mr. Hill, I'd be a little more proactive.

24/7 Sunglasses

I was walking to my car around 10PM tonight in Old Town Alexandria and saw it. That guy walking with a group of friends. Wearing sunglasses. At night.

What the F.

I wanted to smack them off his face. I mean seriously. Is that the new look? The popped collar for 2009? When I was in college, you'd see them everyone now and then. The guy wearing sunglasses in class, or the guy wearing them on the metro while it was underground. I'd laugh it off, but it seems like there's a looming tsunami. Pretty soon every yuppie at UVA will do it and will try to infect the rest of the Old Dominion like he started the movement. Y'all need to cut that ish out. Honestly, there are only two types of people that wear sunglasses all the time: arrogant SOBs and divas...

Restaurant Week

Today kicks off a perennial DC event: Restaurant Week. It's a pretty good deal. Prices for a multi-course meal are $20.09/$35.09 for lunch/dinner. And due to the depressing economic conditions, some restaurants are even extending their RW deals indefinitely. I've been to a few places for RW, and I can say that it's definitely a good excuse to go to that ultra-expensive steakhouse or wine bar you've been wanting to go to but didn't want to fork over primo dinero for a meal. Or if you're looking to blow that meager tax refund that just hit your savings account, here's your chance.

Marion Barry Is Just Not That Into You

Oh, Marion Barry. What do you have that makes D.C. so into you? It was nearly two decades ago when we all witnessed your glorious crack-smoking wonder years. Life was so much easier for you back then. Until it all came crashing down one starry night at the Vista Hotel where your ex-girlfriend-turned-FBI-informant ratted you out to the Feds in an undercover sting.

So after you get out of prison from your drug charges, what did you do? You ran for D.C. Council under the slogan, "He May Not Be Perfect, But He's Perfect for D.C." You won with 70% of the vote. Oh, and after you won your council seat, you then ran for Mayor and won.

If D.C. could ever be likened to a prostitute, Marion Barry would undoubtedly be its pimp.

But history has a tendency to repeat itself, and in Barry's case, it's like a bad re-run. So when the IRS investigated him in 2005 for failing to pay his taxes for the previous five years (1999-2004), should we have been so surprised that Barry failed his mandatory drug screening prior to the hearing? Not only did he test positive for cocaine, but marijuana as well. So not only did he violate his probation and receive drug counseling, he was also charged with failing to pay his federal and state taxes. And what heavy sentence did D.C. levy as punishment? More probation.

Did you know a Secret Service officer charged Marion Barry in 2006 with a DUI? Did you also know Barry was acquitted several months later?

But now Barry has gone and gotten a complicated thing like taxes involved in his shenanigans again. Aw snap. Paying taxes on time is tough enough for anyone, but can you imagine how hard that is if you're a cokehead? And a diabetic? And suffering from kidneyitis? I can already tell you what the outcome of any future charges filed against Marion Barry will be. Probation. And maybe a free consultation with H&R Block. For someone elected as a public servant - and being paid by D.C. taxpayers - you'd think residents would wise up by now and get a new pimp.

Face it, D.C., Marion Barry is just not that into you.

I Miss the Old Facebook

Remember when Facebook was just for you and your college friends? When you would just poke your friends or send drunken wall comments at 3am? Maybe 'friend' the people you met at a party for about 5 minutes before leaving to go puke behind a Ford Taurus?

I miss that.

I am guilty of 80% of the following, so please put the hypocrisy comments on the shelf and indulge me for a minute. The new Facebook. Where do I begin? Now you got people from all over getting Facebook accounts. Your parents. Your boss. Your younger sibling that just went into middle school. Stalkers, pedophiles, and the like. The walls have come down. Facebook is the new MySpace. And I hate it. Now you can become a "fan" of something- pizza, a congressman, algebra, pro-life rallys, etc. Now you can write up your "Random 25" list and tag all your friends so they can read what personal things you put on your profile. Now you can upload applications to your profile that show your favorite sports team's schedule, or what kind of alcohol you like to drink.

One thing that has been bothering me is the use of the Facebook "notes" as a digital soapbox for all to read. It's a new kind of passive aggression where people can write about their deepest beliefs, almost begging for people to challenge them in an online spar of wits. You'll notice these are the people - were it not for things like Facebook - that you'd have no clue they even had things that got them so agitated. I'm not knocking Amendment Numero Uno at all. It's just that people are now able to spew whatever grieves them onto their friends' newsfeed.

Oh and that Facebook newsfeed is the worst. No, I don't care who just split up or who commented on somebody's photo. What's that- oh look somebody just sent me a virtual beer. At least you're able to turn off all these notifications. If I couldn't do that, I'd probably go insane.

I guess my point is that Facebook has turned the meaningless and trivial into a big deal. People are hooked into knowing every new detail about a friend's life. And that's absurd, because most of us have people on our friend list that we have no idea as to who they are or how you even met. I read that social networking sites are responsible for about $8 billion in lost productivity. Maybe that's why my company finally blocked access to it. What I'm trying to say is, that if something is important, you'd find a better way to communicate your ideas. Maybe have a real discussion with a real friend. Maybe write a penpal an actual letter. Maybe pick up the phone and call someone (no texting). Or if you don't have friends, maybe it's because nobody wants to hear what you have to say. And the only way for people to hear it is to write something that pops up in their newsfeed. But that's just me, I could be wrong.

Busted!

So one of my favorite ways to waste time at work is to surf the Fairfax County Arrest/Ticket Search on the Fairfax Underground site. This arrest/ticket search pulls FCPD records on anyone charged by county police. There's a lot of fun things to search for. Friends, family, neighbors, people you went to school with, etc. One of the more stalker-ish things I started doing was to search for famous people. Jim Zorn, Gilbert Arenas, Clinton Portis, Dick Cheney, Colin Powell, etc...

Go ahead and search for me. I'm squeaky clean. However, my parents aren't.

Paul Blart: Mall Blog

That movie looks like it's the worst thing to get pooped out of Hollywood producers since Gigli. Of course I haven't seen it for myself, I just read the reviews and let the critics think for me. But honestly, any movie with commercials that make me want to junkpunch authority figures with mustaches can't be that good.

Then I got to thinking about the two black holes of suckitude in the 703: Springfield Mall and Landmark Mall. Back in the '90s, they used to be decent places to go and hang out until your parents were ready to pick you up. Can you believe hanging out at a mall used to be cool (seriously)? They used to give the relatively new Tysons Corner a run for its money. I don't know why, but it seems like these two malls were the only things that got taken out by the Y2K snafu. Ever since then, they've had a slow and miserable decline. It's like watching your dog get Alzheimer's and then not die.

Chances are, if you've been to one of them recently -within the last 7 years- you'll make the keen observation that nothing is there except Macy's, shady jewelry stores, a martial arts place that makes loser kids whose parents have too much money feel like they can stand up to bullies (and then get punched out by said bullies), a Ritz Camera, Sports Authority, and an over-abundance of criminals. And who could forget the fact that FCPD has their own space in Springfield Mall? Which hasn't deterred any criminal activity since the invention of handcuffs. Yep- I wouldn't go to either of those two malls by myself at night. In fact, I'd just as soon take a stroll in SE DC. Come to think of it- the only reason I've even been to Landmark Mall is for the Chik-fil-A in their food court.

Fast-forward to 2008. After a decade of being Pentagon City and Tysons Corner's jock strap, these two malls are getting a face lift a la Reston/Dulles Town Centers. Springfield Mall will become Springfield Town Center and Landmark Mall will become Landmark Village.

Based on the developers' line of reasoning, the re-emergence of shoppers to these places will benefit the local economy (and their wallets) by diverting people away from Pentagon City and Tysons. Will it work? Maybe at first. But I have my doubts. Springfield and Landmark haven't figured out what to do with their parking lot muggers, stabbers, and gangbangers. I don't think an increase of town center patrons will do anything except increase the number of crimes committed against them.

Making a Living

Happy hours in the DC area are as commonplace as bums begging for change outside a metro station. You can't escape them. If your co-workers aren't sending you a Microsoft Outlook calendar planner, some random college friend is sending you the latest Facebook invite. The sad thing is that every happy hour is the same. Everyone talks about their recent office achievements in some sort of grandiose way, like what they did was singular in the universe and vital to the survival of their organization. The sadder thing is that everyone involved in the conversation knows it's complete BS anyways, yet people are still compelled to boast their significance. That's life in DC. If people aren't bragging about their job title, they're bragging about their employer.

I went to Australia a for the better part of three weeks and came away with one simple realization. We are far more concerned about making a living than we are with just living. Maybe that's just the corporate lifestyle. But one thing is for sure, Americans are so wrapped up in making enough money that they lose sight of everything else. Paying bills, a mortgage, health costs, car payments, etc. It's so easy to lose sight of important things like family, self-contentment, and just enjoying life. Think about it: the overwhelming majority of people work jobs they don't enjoy for decades in the hopes they'll have enough money to retire. I feel like there is a despairing resignation among most people who just accept the "fact" that you have to work most of your life doing a job you don't get much satisfaction from and then hope they have the money to retire and then enjoy life.

I'm vehemently trying to go against this. I want to be able to enjoy my life and not feel like I have to sacrifice happiness for a paycheck. I don't want to get consumed with the status quo. Or become complacent with the way things are. I don't want to spend 65 years in an office and then do the things I want to do. I don't know if I could justify a lifetime of 9-5 in a cubicle just to be able to retire comfortably until I died. Part of me wants to move to Australia and open a jet-ski/scuba rental business on the beach. I may not get rich, but I would have a lot of interesting stories along the way. Maybe it's not about who has the most toys or money. Maybe it's more about who has the most fun. But that's just me. I could be wrong.