2009 is Almost Over and DC is Going to Hell

2009 almost squeaked by without a last-minute clusterfvck. Has anyone else noticed the surge in general mayhem that is usually reserved only for Black Friday shoppers bum-rushing the Wal-Mart at midnight?

Here are some things that have put DC in the spotlight recently: Salahi-mania, Tai Shan the panda peacing the F out of the National Zoo, Metro blazing a trail straight to We Can't Do Anything Rightsville, or Senator Corker's kid getting carjacked near the Verizon Center. Even Baltimore's mayor is getting in on this craptacular steam pile by taking and spending gift cards that were supposed to be for needy families.

What is going on, DC? It's like New Orleans all over again right before Katrina strolled in and people started looting like it was a five o'clock free crack giveaway. All I know is that there are 27 days left till 2010 and DC can't handle anymore of this asswizardry.

Thank God for Tiger Woods. Hopefully we can ride out his "transgressions" till the new year.

WWHMD?

What would Hank Moody do?

No, really.

I find myself asking that a lot these days. Nevermind the complete and electronic climax that is Californication. I always wonder if someone can be a royal screw-up yet still be mildly successful. Life imitates art. Or is it the other way around? I've been silent for quite some time on this thing and while you may have a lot of questions about that, you'll find that I do too.

I've heard some people can be attributed as having a "Type A" personality. Meaning they take things seriously, are focused on their organizational skills, and are frequently OCD. I think this is the polite way of saying that a person is anal. And not in the homo way. I'm talking about the annoying, awful, angry, antsy, awkward, and arrogant way. We all know who these people are. I have a hard time differentiating between these people and the rest of the populace that just annoys the crap out of me.

I automatically associate any short, fat, and bald man to be a chode. Not because he is one. He could be a jolly old soul for all I know. But to me, they just look like a walking phallus.

I always wonder what people did before the internet to waste time at work. I am currently pondering this now as I multitask between writing this juicy piece, doing some light Facebook stalking, reading up on DCist, and browsing the BBC website. Were we more productive in the pre-internet era?

Nothing slows down the passing of time quite like a healthy session of self-loathing.

I think one of the most annoying things someone can do is stand too close to a microphone. Especially when their script has a lot of words that contain the consonant "P". You know what I'm talking about. That "puh" sound that booms across the mic. It's horrible. And yes, I will walk out on your crappy speech if you do it again.

I honestly believe that the majority of the world's narcissism is rooted in parents repeatedly telling their kids how special and unique they are. Genetically, this is true. That's where it ends. That line of thinking eventually makes people believe they are better than others or entitled to more. It just goes downhill from there.

I was really hoping some kind of freak accident would occur during my LASIK surgery that would let me shoot lasers from my eyes. Like that X-Men guy. That would be awesome. Although having to wear sunglasses all the time would make me look like a douche. Right, Bono?

The End Is Near

As of today, I am officially on Twitter: http://twitter.com/adamcrussell

and the Livin's Easy

This string of sunny days has actually put me in a less cynical mood. I attribute this to a decrease in the number of things that piss me off.

1. Interns- they've mostly gone into hibernation since grad school is out. Those that have graduated are probably in the process of gouging their eyes out after looking at the slumdog job market currently serving our area. I can now enjoy my Metro commute without them chirping about how awesome life is when you work for free or talking about some lofty political theory that will never ever ever matter. Yes, I am reveling in their misery of realizing they will have to take a job completely unrelated to their major.

2. My boss- despite her 6 promotions in 6 years of employment at my soul-less corporate realm, she will be taking six weeks' leave to "work" out of our India office and then vacation in Asia. I find this out only after she turned down my request to go to the London office for one week. Apparently there's no budget (gee, wonder why). I'm not fazed by this because I will - in turn - get six summer weeks of coming in late and leaving early while she is out. And by the time she comes back, I will have a week before my trip to the Caribbean.

3. Cold weather- for all my love of snow, there really is no substitute for cold margaritas and a fired-up grill. I'm looking forward to a couple months of leaving the windows open, having BBQs, going to the pool, amusement parks, drinking outside, etc. The best part is that it doesn't get dark until 8:30pm.

4. Stupid people- they really are everywhere. However, they go away in the summer to take their stupid kids on vacation. This makes riding the metro and general driving to/from work far less stressful. I don't have to worry about packed trains or people trying to board a train via osmosis as the doors close.

Seriously

The swine flu armageddon-a-thon is over and I've returned just in time for the Memorial Day weekend. In case you were wondering, I had a prolong bout with brain AIDS - completely unable to write about anything indecent and anecdotal. But seriously, things have gotten ridiculous. To the point of being really ridiculous.

Like Dick Cheney praising the positive effects of torture. Seriously? Surprisingly enough, Dick Cheney was not nominated for any Christian WWJD Awards. You would think such a staunch Republican, a party which by the way comes off as the gay lover of all things Jesus, would try to be a little more... Jesusy. Basically the former VP is saying that the ends justify the means. Torture a guy to get information. Because that's what Jesus would do. No, really, he would. Seriously.

And what's all this ish about Jon and Kate cheating? OMG he's cheating on her!! Um...omg...are you really that surprised? Seriously? Have you seen the show? It's like he married a combination of Martha Stewart, Octo-mom, and Hitler. His wife is a condescending, type-A, control freak psycho. He has EIGHT kids running around. He has no time to get away and hang out with his bros, watch the game, and drink a beer. Dude has been totally broken. Seriously.

One last thing: I will never understand DC's fascination with pandas. Especially the hype surrounding the unsuccessful forced artificial insemination tactics employed by the folks at the National Zoo. I'm sorry, but if a species doesn't even want to repopulate, that's fine by me. What have pandas ever done for us anyway? I've been to the zoo. They just sit there and eat bamboo. BFD. Unless we're talking about Sexual Harassment Panda. That dude was cool. Seriously.

Who Wants to Go to Cancun?

Seriously. Swine flu be damned. All major airlines are offering some sweet discounts to Cancun and Mexico City. I saw round-trip airfare to/from Washington, DC for only $300! Plus, I'm sure you could grab a sweet bargain at an all-inclusive.

But people have died from this pandemic! Aren't you concerned?

No. For a couple reasons. Most of the people that have died from this swine flu lived in crappy shanty towns and were too poor to get medical help. I have primo health insurance. Also, my immune system is boss. I rarely get sick. I attribute this uncanny phenomenon to my regular injections of 100% Florida orange juice straight into my veins. If the pulp gets in the way, just push down on that syringe a little harder. That's extra Vitamin-C right there.

Honestly, folks. Thousands of people died from diseases like tuberculosis and regular non-swine flu last year. Bet you didn't hear about any of that from the liberal media! And what makes swine flu so special? Nothing. It's just the latest panic-button item of 2009. Why else would people wear thin pieces of fabric over their noses and mouths that make them look like Michael Jackson? I mean, who would want that kind of association?

Probably the kind of people desperate for any kind of publicity. Oh wait...

What happened to SARS? Avian flu? The MRSA strain of staph? Remember all those things that were supposed to end human existence? And you're still here, right?

$300 for a a trip to Cancun sipping Coronas on the beach? Sign me up.

GM Revitalization Scheme: Drop "Excitement" Division

So we all know the sad state GM is in. Poor guys got billions to avoid bankruptcy and attempt to re-align their business model to compete in today's economy. In true American spirit, they half-assed it and are now making some really bone-headed decisions. GM announced yesterday they are dropping the Pontiac brand (some of you may remember Pontiac was GM's so-called "Excitement Division") and has plans to off-load its Saturn, Saab, and Hummer brands by the end of the year as well.

Q: What will the new GM look like?
A: The old GM.

GM will retain and focus their collective woopie cushion energy on the Chevy, GMC, Buick, and Cadillac brands. Buick?!?!?!?! The demographic that buys a Buick is either over the age of 55 or only buys things endorsed by Tiger Woods. Nobody buys Buicks. Same with Cadillac. Only for old people. When was the last time you and your compadres checked out the newest inventory on a Cadillac lot? GM has radically marketed the image of their Caddies for the younger crowd, but don't fall for it. You will be awarded no points and your friends will laugh at you because you drive the same car as their cooky uncle that retired and moved to Tampa.

What I don't get is their decision to drop Saturn. Honestly, it had a decent reputation and the Saturn Sky Redline is the one GM car (other than a Corvette) that I would consider buying. I feel like Saturn has a better image to younger car buyers than Chevrolet. And certainly better than Buick.

GM is basically refusing to change. It's like they looked into a mirror and said, "how can we screw ourselves over EVEN MORE in the long-term?". They just made the decision for any car-buyer a heck of a lot easier. At least GM is taking care of its confederate demographic. If you're upset that you won't be able to belt out your favorite country tunes in a new Pontiac Trans Am, rest easy. Chevy will be releasing a new Camaro soon.

One thing is for sure: Pontiac Aztec = epic FAIL.

Fiancée of Craigslist Killer: "He's Really a Nice Guy"

When I first heard about the Craigslist Killer, I thought it was some rival hipster website that let people buy/sell/trade their worthless stuff. Then I thought "that's dumb". Turns out the craigslist killer is, in fact, a real killer. Philip Markoff met some girls on craigslist and then killed one of them. Which sucks for the victim and her family, but having the name "craigslist killer" is definitely not going to get you props in jail. You might as well be the Kmart killer. Or if you're in Fredericksburg, the Rose's killer.

He should've expected the media to nickname him. He's a med-student after all. You got to do the necessary prep work. He should've done his killing at Five Guys. Then you could be the Five Guys Killer. And you could swing that name in prison like you really killed five guys at once instead of unsuspecting women on a website where I sold my Huffy 7-speed bike.

Turns out this guy isn't as smart as we thought. First off, robbing people to pay off your gambling debts is not ok. Unless you're named after a city and rob stage-coaches out west. Secondly, if you're engaged, why did you take the victims' underwear as a trophy? Anyone with a girlfriend can tell you that's just a dumb move. You know she's gonna find it and realize IT'S NOT HER UNDERWEAR. Then you've just dug you're own grave right there. Because either way you play it, tell the truth or lie, you're up sh*t creek without a canoe and there are pirahnas in the creek. With lasers.

And his fiancée, Megan McAllister, is the best/worst part, depending on how you look at the situation. "He wouldn't hurt a fly", she says. Uh...clearly. Girl is totally clueless. He met up with girls online. Killed someone. And raided the panty drawer. And you knew nothing. Just be glad you didn't investigate all those supposed "late night med school study sessions" he told you about. Keep it in perspective. Take all the harsh media criticism in stride. At least you're not going to get "human booster shots" from some hairy dude named Tiny for the next 25-life.

Unless you're into that sort of thing.

Thirsty Thursday: What's Up with the 10-day Drought?

Welcome back.

Do you think hip, trendy Muslim kids say "OMA!!" the way hip, trendy non-Muslim kids say "OMG!!"? And do those Jew crews rollin through the hood use "OMY!"?

Anyways, we got that pirate locked up in the US now. Abdiwali Abdiqadir Muse, otherwise known as the one that wasn't F'd in the A courtesy of the US Navy SEALs. I think he's going to be spending a lot of time in jail. Has the US ever tried a pirate before? I don't think he'll get a jury of his peers. Unless the Pittsburgh Pirates get served a notice for jury duty. Or the Tampa Bay Buccaneers could step in since football season isn't for a couple months. I had to google "buccaneer". Turns out it's synonymous with "pirate". I'd rather be called pirate. Either way, it's clear he won't get a fair trial and will probably spend his life in prison. Away from the sea. Dressed like a back-up dancer for MC Hammer. Seriously, that blue jumpsuit they got him in is just down-right humiliating.

Happy Easter

I hope everyone enjoyed their 33 hours of hedonism while Jesus was away. Now that he's back, y'all better be on your best behavior!

It wasn't a very happy Easter for 4 Somali pirates, I can tell you that. Three of them got sniped by Navy SEALs, and one is probably getting his testicles electrocuted somewhere. Maybe the next time they see a US ship, they'll think twice about it. They'd have more luck getting that ransom if they hijacked a French ship.

Everyone Has More Money Than Me

I can't read the papers anymore. It's totally depressing. I thought we were in a for serious recession? Why is it everywhere I look, people are getting that dolla? Someone in Southeast DC just hit the lotto jackpot.
Gilbert Arenas is getting paid $111M for doing nothing. The sycophantic Megan McCain just grabbed a book deal. What's she going to write about? Nothing interesting, I'll bet. And have you read her blog? Talk about a black hole of suckitude. And they expect her to write 100+ pages? Can someone say ghostwriter?

Holy hell, even Wells Fargo posted its largest quarterly profit everrrrrr.

A Case of the Mondays: Don't be a Dick

I was talking to my roommate last week about how you can sometimes look at a person and know right off the bat whether you would like or dislike that person before you even get to know them. Case in point: the people on our condo's shuttle bus to/from metro. Some people ooze anal retentiveness. Others saturate the environment with a funkadelic body odor. Each is just as repulsive as the other, in my opinion. I try to avoid them at all times.

This morning, I was waiting for the shuttle to arrive at my building. I arrived at the lobby earlier than usual. I don't know why. I usually time it so that the minute I step off the elevator, the shuttle is pulling up. If you saw the collection of souls that take the same public transportation as I do, you'd understand why. There's usually a blind woman waiting for the shuttle. She's awfully nice. Really, she is. She'll talk to you about anything: TV, the weather, sports, good restaurants, whatever. The only problem is that she won't shut up. She'll go on and on about something and whoever she's talking to will almost always (99.9% of the time) ignore her when they feel the conversation has gone on too long. To me, that's being a dick.

Don't engage in a conversation with someone that can't see and then not answer them. It's mean for two reasons: the blind person doesn't know what happened to you. Did you die suddenly? Or just not hear what was spoken to you? Secondly, you make that blind person out to be a crazy person. When the shuttle stops at the next building and more people board, she's talking to herself because you won't continue your conversation. You wouldn't do that with people that can see. The next time someone stops paying attention to this lady mid-conversation, I'm going to call that person out for being a d-bag. I will literally hand them a certificate that states the honor bestowed on them. And this won't be the first time I hunted down people for being toolbags¹.

Another trait people exhibit that automatically earns them a place on my sh!tlist is poor hygiene. Really. When you're crammed on a rush-hour train, you'd be surprised how many people don't apply enough deodorant or brush their teeth. Halitosis is not a joke, ok? We're not in France.

I thought I contracted my recent rhinovirus affliction from my disease-carrier girlfriend (she's an elementary teacher not a street walker, kthanks). I'm second-guessing this now because I realize just how often I am forced to stand centimeters apart from all sorts of people coughing and sneezing in an enclosed space. If you're sick, stay home. You won't get brownie points or that raise you've been hoping for. We're in a recession, chief. Plus you'll just get everyone else in your office sick, therefore drive down productivity, thus drive down revenue, ergo send your company into bankruptcy. It could happen.

One of the other things you can do is call people out on things in public. I realize that this is a direct contradiction to my previous example about calling people out on general d-bagginess. There's a difference. I'm calling people out for the sake of correcting their a-hole ways. It's kind of like the Boondock Saints, but I'm not killing for good, just calling people out for good. What I'm talking about here, are the people that call you out for the sake of looking good. Allow me to illustrate: I was on the metro after a hard day's work. I was lucky to get a seat. There's a young-ish looking woman in a business suit standing nearby.

All of a sudden I hear someone behind me with an Italian accent say, "if I was sitting down, I would offer the lady my seat." Now, I'm usually a nice guy. But not after I've dealt with corporate BS for 9+ hours. I look over my shoulder to see if I'm the victim of this guy's rant. And I am. People are looking at me now, but I don't respond. I just roll my eyes and think he's done trying to get in this girl's pants. Wrong. "Excuse me, sir, why don't you let the lady sit down?"

It's at this point that the woman in question speaks up and says, "I don't mind standing- I've been sitting all day."

I then look over my shoulder at the Italiano and shoot him a look that needs no translation: he got served. And he knew it. He tried to look good at my expense. I'm not down with that. If she hadn't put him in his place, I would've handed him a toolbag award plaque. Trust me, it would have been more embarrassing for him than working at the Olive Garden.

¹Myrtle Beach 2008: the Ocean Lakes community was hit by the Toolbag of the Year Awards after I made a quick trip to Wal-Mart for supplies. Let's just say that place was chode city.

Friday Craziness: Why I Hate MTV's The Real World (Vol.4)

It's Friday. That means the craziness is upon us. I was browsing my morning blog list and came across this little gem. It's a poll on where the next season of The Real World should be located. Washington, DC is in second place (a watery grave is in first). Since when did DC become hip? I blame Barack Obama. Did you see how many celebrities came out of their hippy Malibu mansions to sing and dance at the Inauguration? Beyonce was staying at the hotel next door to my office. Celebrities were crawling around everywhere. Even the paparazzi are starting to stake out in DC. I hate it. And now possibly The Real World? There's only so much a white dude can handle.

But Adam, what's your deal with the show anyways??

Well, I'll tell ya. First off, the show is nothing like the real world. Really. Those kids live in a pimped-out house rent-free for 6 months. Does that sound real to you? They don't pay utility bills. They don't pay for groceries. They don't pay their bar tabs- all their alcoholic bump'n'grind fests are paid for by producers.

But Adam, they have to get a job when they're on the show.

Yeah, um...ok. All the jobs those kids get on the show are minimum wage at best. Anyone living off of minimum wage knows it doesn't pay the bills. At all. Plus, they didn't have even have to interview for the gig. The Real World is anything but. I don't know why anyone would find this show interesting.

But it's so dramatic!

Please. Anyone that's lived in a dorm should be turned off by this show and how stupid it is. 95% of the drama on that show is fake anyways and almost always caused by alcohol. And that's a true statistic I just made up.

I'll admit I used to watch the show when I was in high school because I thought that's what it was like to live with random people. After college and living with roommates, I can tell you that this show just blows. If they honestly want to make a show about the real world, they should stick seven kids in an empty van down by the river in Detroit and tell them good luck finding a job.

America: Losing Its Cool

You remember when you were a kid, and you couldn't wait for recess to peg that squirrelly looking kid with glasses at dodgeball? Or play that awesome game of exclusion: tag? Yeah, you can't do that anymore. Some schools are even going so far as to ban all physical contact between students. That's right, Billy, no more high-fives. You can't even pound it out. So how does one relay how to friends just how cool you are? Texting. And lots of it.

How else can you explain why two people would rather have a 3-hour textathon rather than talk on the phone for 15 minutes? Everyone was up in arms about people using their cell phones while driving. Now states are passing legislation to ban texting while driving. Sounds absurd, I know, but I'll bet you'll do it at some point in your life. Idiot. If someone gets in an accident and wrecks their car while texting, they should call it wrexting.

You'd think that people would rather just talk to someone straight up. Texting is a very time-consuming process and we're all about doing things fast. You write out your message and then wait for your friend to reply. Even when they reply shortly thereafter, you still have to write out your next message. Total waste of time. Unless you're doing something else at the same time. So this leaves me to wonder what other multi-tasking activities there are while texting...

Chexting = eating delicious Chex mix while texting; or writing a personal check while texting
Dexting = installing a new deck for your house while texting
Mexting = texting someone while touring Mexico
Vexting = having a confusing face-to-face conversation while texting someone else
FedExting = waiting in line at FedEx to mail/collect a package while texting
Rexting = playing fetch with your dog, Rex, while texting
Wexting = ordering a savory beef on weck (sandwich) while texting (term used only in the NE)
Shrexting = watching any of the Shrek movies while texting

Why I Hate Springtime in DC

First off, I enjoy the warmer weather. I love that it stays lighter outside later in the evening. It's all great. Yet there are things out there that also arise at the onset of spring.

The first of which is interns. Yes, interns. Those uppity college kids thinking they're the hottest thing going. They love not getting paid as long as they can tell their other intern friends how great they think they are and how much they're making a difference. I can't even wallow in the life that is my cubicle at any bar because all the interns are having their intern happy hours. Talking about how cool it is to work for free. And somehow they can still afford to go out and drink? You can always spot them on the metro. While I'm trying to figure out the sudoku puzzle, they're busy talking to one another about the kickball league they joined or how they friended someone on Facebook that works on Capitol Hill. Completely annoying. They're as bad as illegal immigrants. But at least the illegals own a car and don't bother me on metro.

Another thing I hate during springtime: tourists. This includes kids on school trips, families sightseeing, and foreigners. Why do the big groups of tourists feel the need to use metro during rush hour? I understand you want to see all the sites, but the monuments aren't going anywhere. Do yourself a favor: sleep in, grab breakfast, and then wait to get on metro. You'll just get frustrated that the train cars are packed. Plus all the people on their way to/from work will have no sympathy for someone on vacation trying to board a packed metro car. And for crying out loud, stand to the right on the metro escalators! I understand you're trying to bring in revenue for the area's tourism industry, but you'd make a lot of people less angry if you didn't stop to figure out where you are when you directly get off of an escalator. It's not the best place to stand when a guy is running to catch a train.

Farewell, Creepy Motel

If you're not familiar with Fredericksburg, VA's lodging industry, you've missed a golden opportunity. The Twi-Lite Motel [this landmark doesn't even have a website..so you know it's 5-star] located on Route 1 is closing its doors to the shady and lawfully-challenged residents of the 540. My alma mater, the University of Mary Washington, has purchased the property for $1.5 million- that's about $800k over the assessed value.

UMW has purchased the land surounding the motel as part of its new Eagle Village. Once constructed over the current low-income shopping haven, it will be an oasis for hipster and yuppie college kids looking to avoid the droll of Fredericksburg's soon-to-be un-cool places to hang out (e.g. historic downtown and Central Park). Although, I'm sure the most pretentious (read: "original") of said yuppies and hipsters will prefer downtown only to say that they were true to their roots or some other bogus claim to assert their being cooler than you. Anyways, the original Eagle Village plan didn't incorporate the Twi-Lite Motel, so you could imagine the ire of snooty university officials willing to do/pay anything to acquire the body-fluid stained motel. I'm not adding that in for dramatic effect either. There were many instances of people being stabbed/shot/bludgeoned/smothered at the motel. Not to mention all the call girls.

So if you were investing a boat-load of money to expand your university by adding a brand new commercial/residential complex for your students, the last thing you'd want for a neighbor is a building full of skeezy guys with various women of the night charging by the hour. And I'm not talking about the women- it's the motel that charges by the hour.

So fare thee well, Twi-lite Motel. Aside from being a den of sin for drug addicts, sexual predators, and lonely old men, you had a good run. Here's a quick look back at some of your glorious skidmarks:

August 1989: a badly decomposed body was found inside a car parked behind the motel.

September 1989: woman gives birth to a 4-pound, 14-ounce girl there.

February 1991: a maid discovered the body of a Richmond woman in the motel.

August 1996: a man blew up a quarter stick of dynamite at the motel and chased passers-by with a machete.

September 2004: a man's body was found in a trash bin at the motel.

Wednesday Special: Nobody Cares Edition

DC United, our very own MLS (major league soccer aka the league of obscurity) team is making national local headlines. Apparently they want to move out of RFK ruins stadium and head into the 301. More specifically, Prince George's county. The problem is there isn't enough state funding to build the new stadium because team owners only want to foot 25% of the bill. Maryland state legislators are naturally asking WTF???

What's more depressing: actually wanting to move to PG county, or the fact that nobody cares?

St Patty's Day Post: Leprechaun Sighting

The amateur sketch in the clip sold me:


Then they made a rap tune about it.

What's up with the 540?

Below the 703 lives the 540. It's a pretty scary place sometimes. From Fredericksburg to Blacksburg, you could get lost in this place if not careful. I say it's scary because they are totally cool with you jumping off a bridge to kill yourself. Yeah, they won't stop you. One bridge in particular that spans I-95. I've driven over it countless times. Apparently it's a suicide hot-spot. In the last two years, four people have done a Greg Louganis off the bridge. And VDOT still has no plans to erect any kind of barrier on that bridge. Sweet.

So if the recession or Megan Fox still not being single has gotten you down, Virginia is clearly the place for you. Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Friday Craziness: The C-Word Edition (Vol.3)

Not that c-word. I'm talking about controversy.

Have you noticed it's everywhere these days? Between the Cramer v. Stewart ratings ploy, Michael Steele opening his mouth, shady Obama administration officials, that missing Hayleigh girl's dad marrying the 17yo girlfriend/babysitter, the Oprah telling more people how to live their lives, and sexting, I can't find any newsworthy stories anywhere on the internets.

News outlets are becoming more and more about entertainment and less about anything of substance. If you scroll down Fox News Channel, they've got a slew of BS articles that are fit for the supermarket tabloids. I'm not saying I think FNC is a legit news channel (it's not, they hire commentators- not journalists), but if they're trying to spin themselves off as one, they might want to focus on real news. Just a thought.

Maybe this is all part of our political-correctness paranoia. We've all grown accustomed to living in a PC world (unfortunately), and anytime anyone anywhere does something out-of-bounds, it's blown way out of proportion and the c-word is slapped around ad nauseum. It's craziness, I tell you.

OMG Bristol Palin is like Totally Available

The media hounds are all over this salacious bit of gossip, but I could've told you this was coming. Celebrity couples never last. Right, Jennifer Aniston?

I guess the good thing about all of this is that Hollywood tells us single moms are an easy pick-up. I'm sure Sarah Palin, aware of this universal phenomenon, is considering the options of sending her PR nightmare of a daughter to an all-girl boarding school or just locking her in a cage for a couple of years. I know there's one guy out there that's a maverick at picking up younger women who is absolutely delighted Levi is out of the picture...

Twitter is for Suckas

One of the more annoying technologies permeating the area is twitter. If you don't know what twitter is, or what it means to tweet, basically you submit short updates (up to 140-characters) via mobile phone/IM/stolen wifi to your twitter website. People subscribed to your twitter page can then view your posted updates until they know your daily habits well enough to pull a Mr. Ripley on you.

The introverts that came up with twitter designed it to be a way to keep people updated between blog posts. I think it's just another way for that stalker you don't know about to keep better tabs on you. Regardless, nobody interesting even has a twitter account. Unless you have an unhealthy fascination about what John McCain is doing right now. Here's a list of people I think should have twitter pages:

1. Chris Brown
2. Jim Cramer
3. Coolio
4. Robert Downey Jr
5. Chris Cooley
6. David Hasselhoff
7. Jesus

The point is, the majority of people don't care what you're doing 24/7. That's why I think twitter is for suckas.

Michelle Obama. So Choice.

Is there anything Michelle Obama can't do while sporting the latest J. Crew clothing line? We all know she's got it goin' on, but I didn't know she could make community service look this sexy. I think the hottest part about this photo is the latex gloves. I bet she didn't want to wear them because it clashed with her ensemble, but caved in at the sight of getting that mushroom risotto under her well-manicured nails. By the way, I thought we were in a recession. What kind of fancy pants soup kitchen serves risotto? Any time I volunteered for community service, lunch was usually a just cold ham and cheese sandwich and something that resembled beef stew.

I think she did a good thing- it's never bad to give back to the community. But sometimes I wonder what she'd look like in mom jeans and a sweatshirt.

Rhymin' Michael Steele

I was going to make a video like this, but these guys totally beat me to it.

Weather Madness

Anyone familiar with the weather around DC can sum it up like this: FUBAR. Case in point- the last week.

3/1/09: 20 degrees Fahrenheit + snow storm poops out several inches of that white stuff
3/8/09: 70 degrees Fahrenheit + babes in bikinis

(fingers crossed on that bikini part)

Even the weather experts are stumped...


I'm just gonna chalk it up to global warming and call it a day. Fire up the grill and enjoy the weekend, folks!

Friday Craziness: Rush Limbaugh Edition (Vol.2)

I'm sure you're well aware of the recent string of public apologies issued by Republicans to Rush Limbaugh. RNC Chairman Michael Steele, Rep. Phil Gingrey (R-GA), Gov. Mark Sanford (R-SC) have all issued apologies to Limbaugh after commenting on Limbaugh's "I hope Obama fails" kindergarten rant. Honestly, I don't care about this but I can't watch 20 minutes of news without someone bringing this back up. I don't know which is worse: the fact that this is getting so much press, or that grown men have to apologize for inane comments that aren't really all that offensive.

That's why I find the ongoing sissy fight between Limbaugh and Steele particularly comical. Steele said Rush was "incendiary" and an "entertainer", then apologized for those remarks. As to appear unscathed by the attack, Rush said he was no longer Steele's BFF. But we all know Rush has been crying at night, watching old Molly Ringwald movies alone, and eating copious amount of rocky road ice cream since Steele's betrayal. But I don't judge- we've all been there.

I think the real issue here is that someone named their kid Rush Limbaugh. That's almost on par with all of those god-awful celebrity kids' names. I don't care what I did, I'd never apologize to someone with a funny name. Not because I'm conceited, but I just couldn't put the words together to say "I'm sorry, Rush" while keeping a straight face. Plus the guy looks like CNN's blowhard chump Lou Dobbs.

Rush Limbaugh was put here to annoy us. Nothing he said in the past had any effect on the course of history, and nothing he says or does in the future will matter either. The sooner we come to terms with that, the sooner we can just live our lives. Who takes their political cues from a prescription drug addict anyways?

By the way, this whole thing wouldn't have happened between real men. I mean, could you honestly see this playing out with the guys you know? Here's how it'd go...

Guy1: I hope Obama fails.
Guy2: You want to grab some Five Guys?

End of story.

Countdown to Armageddon: 19 days

In some circles, March 24, 2009 is going to be the worst day ever for the DC area. You might be asking yourself why. Some people will also google the date, hoping to get some clarity into this. Let me spell it out with just four terrifying words. Britney. Spears. Verizon. Center.

She's coming to town and I couldn't be less thrilled. Most of you know my long-standing loathing for Spears. I practically reveled at her 2007-08 self-destructive solo tour. The main take-away from my previous rants was that people shouldn't be shocked/offended/OMG-ing at all the crazy stuff she's done. In case you forgot, here's the short list:

• barefoot public bathroom romps
• putting her kid in her lap while she drives
• not wearing underroos
• shaving her head
• marrying white trash
• divorcing white trash
• financing white trash's "hip-hop" record
• losing custody of her kids to white trash
• hitting parked cars

She's from Lousiana, ok? You can't expect some country bumpkin to act like the next Audrey Hepburn. It's just not possible. Especially in Hollywood, where people want you to succeed just as much as they want you to fail. Money is made off of the good and bad things that people do. I blame the paparazzi, but if no one was obsessed with the celebrity lifestyle, then maybe people like Britney wouldn't have it so bad. But it doesn't look like it's getting any better. Websites like TMZ and perezhilton are just the beginning. Pretty soon, there'll be 24/7 celebrity news-channels. Oh wait, I forgot about E!

But sometimes I wonder if all this discontentment for Britney is really aimed at the obsession society has with celebrities. Either way, both are superficial and don't contribute a thing to the progress of humanity. And DC welcomes that whirlwind of craziness with open arms. Not me, folks.

But at least Marion Barry is out of the hospital with a fresh kidney.

Baggage to the Maximus

I was recently at McFadden's enjoying a night of merriment and drink. It would be an understatement to say the bar was crowded. Trying to order a drink was a physical ordeal- pushing your way past the hordes to get the bartenders' attention. That was the easy part. Navigating your way back through the human obstacle course without spilling your beer was the more challenging endeavor.

And then I saw it. Something that frustrated me so badly I new I was going to blog about it later. There was a group of women blocking the only path to my table. The only thing that made this mundane observation extraordinary was the fact that each of them had a monstrosity over their shoulders. The only awesome part about this bunch was that they looked like they had just been rejected from a casting call of The Hills. All glammed up, but obviously pissed off at something "important". I think it was due mostly to the fact that two of the girls had similar looking bags. It was obscene how big these things were given the size of the crowd in the bar. They could have smuggled one of Octo-mom's fat, ugly babies in there with ease. One of them even had the nerve to look angry when I tried to get by, using my free hand to push her arm luggage aside. I don't even want to know what would've happened if I had spilled beer on it.

What's the point of these ridiculous bags? To keep a comfortable barrier between them and pervy guys? Are they trying to frustrate people with a blatant display of ignorance? Is it a status thing? Maybe it's a theft deterrent? I mean, who'd get away trying to steal a purse that size? Or are they just trying to deflect attention away from their lack of intelligence/personality/anything meaningful?

Either way, I'm not a fan. It looks like they're just trying to shoplift formula and diapers from Harris Teeter.

The New Dominion

Many of you are wondering what is happening in the Old Dominion. Virginia is turning blue. Not in the passe, emo hipster kind of way. I mean politically (and everything that comes with it).

We first felt it back in 2006- Jim Webb (D) won by the slimmest of margins over George Macaca Allen (R) in a tight Senate race. Democrats grabbed the other Senate seat two years later when Mark Warner (D) replaced old-timer John Warner (R). And in the House, Democrats hold six of the eleven seats. I'm with Joe McCain on this one: blame the communists in northern Virginia.


More recently, these communists swung Virginia blue in the 2008 Presidential election for the first time in over 40 years. The Virginia General Assembly also passed into law a bill that contained both the words "smoking" and "ban", making it clear that Virginia politics is no longer a friend of lobbyists and special interest groups. What the hell is going on? It's clear that "nova" is turning into the San Francisco of the east coast. Pretty soon the gays are going to march their DC parades into Tysons Corner. They've already taken hold of George Mason University, the last Virginia bastion of decency. You'll be seeing more of those communist farmer's market, too. I wouldn't hold it past Nancy Pelosi to bring Rice-a-roni and cable-car trolleys to our streets as well. This spread of liberal propaganda is moving throughout Virginia with a slow, painful, and rainbow-clad death. This can be a dangerous thing when the rest of Virginia owns a lot of guns and is OK with the death penalty.

So tread cautiously in those Birkenstocks, hippies.

Government: Spending Your Money So You Don't Have To

You'd think people would be a little bit more financially savvy in this down economy, right? Or that government would, for a change, start spending wisely. Wasn't that their whole motto? Responsible government?

It wasn't that long ago when the CEOs of the big three automakers (GM, Ford, and Chrysler) were berated on Capital Hill for using their corporate jets to fly from Detroit to DC. At the time, Congress was trying to figure out the best way to financially bail them out to the tune of billions, yet each automaker spent tens of thousands by using their own corporate jet. The WaPo writer likened it to this: showing up at a soup kitchen in a tuxedo. And that's exactly what it was. Wasteful corporate spending. The CEOs didn't fly a commercial flight or even jet-pool together to get to DC. They were verbally impaled by congressional criticism for this lavish oversight. And rightly so.

So why isn't anyone saying anything when the government is equally wasteful? They've allocated about $1 TRILLION worth of taxpayers' money to bail out corporations and they're STILL exhibiting the spending habits of an annoying shopaholic.

Exhibit A: Nancy Pelosi. Why does the Speaker of the House need to go to Italy? What part of her job description deals with international affairs? Why does she need to meet with the Pope? Why does she need to spend a week racking up hotel bills? Why did she have to bring seven other Democrats? Of course this was all funded by the US taxpayer. As if we had any money left. I can't afford a week-long Italian vacation! And Nancy gets to go on my dime. I hope she drank a lot of Peroni and then puked in the Trevi Fountain. Because that's what I would've done on my trip to Rome.

Friday Craziness: MD Edition (Vol.1)

Exhibit A: Collin McKenzie-Gude. Don't remember this crazy person? Last year, law enforcement raided his home and found the following:

• A map of Camp David (with presidential route marked)
• Documentation on sniping tactics
• Two forged government ID badges, one claiming he was a CIA employee
• A list containing the names and addresses of several of his former teachers
• A cache of firearms including assault rifles, shotguns, a handgun (in addition to ammunition)
• Fifty pounds of chemicals, including several gallons of liquid used for homemade explosives
• A "to-do" list that mentions buying equipment to convert semi-automatic rifles to fully-automatic and range-finding goggles (like the ones snipers use)
  

But the crazy doesn't stop there. He's only 18. And while police raided his house, he unsuccessfully tried to car-jack a 78 year old man in the parking lot of White Flint Mall hoping to evade authorities. How do you unsuccessfully steal a car from a senior citizen? That's just crazy. He's currently in jail awaiting trial in Maryland.

Too bad Guantanamo is slated to close. He could've been the Taliban's new token white guy since John Walker Lindh can't come out and play anymore.

A Moral Dilemma

Have you ever tried to purchase a $3 metro farecard using a $20 bill?

I only ask because if you haven't had the experience of lugging 5 pounds of quarters and dimes in your cargo pants pocket, you clearly haven't lived.

A couple months ago, I had such a dilemma. I forgot my SmarTrip card at home and only had $22 in my wallet. I needed $3.25. Van Dorn metro can be a pretty lonely place in the morning. No shops to break the $20. The metro station manager was as reliable as the metro system itself (read: not very helpful). All the people in line didn't have change or were too rushed to even notice my plea. I sort of felt like a beggar asking for spare change. I could see the next blue line train to Largo was arriving in four minutes and I certainly did not want to get on it with a bowl of change.

Then suddenly I saw him. Had he been there the whole time or did he just appear out of nowhere? My first reaction was to dismiss the thought completely. However, I noticed he was clutching something in his hand- a McDonald's cup. And from the sound of it, it was full of change. But how do you ask a homeless person for $1.25 in change? Are you even allowed to do that? Total role reversal, but the guy had the better half of a McDonald's cup full and the day was young. So I mustered up some courage and walked over to him.

The first thing I noticed was a slight whiff of urine.

"Excuse me, sir, I know this might seem inappropriate, but I was wondering if you could spare me some change?", I asked ever so politely.

"Huh? What the hell, is this a joke? This is all I got. Are you trying to get funny with me?", he replied.

"No, sir. You see, I'm $1.25 short for my metro fare and I noticed you had a cup full of change and..."

"...and you thought it was OK to ask me? A poor person? Get the hell out of here, man." I started to walk away. "Hey, you do know those fare card machines take credit cards, right?" I hadn't thought of that. "F*cking idiot".

Of course, homeless man was right. They do take credit cards. And I did feel like an idiot. On the train ride into work, I felt a little embarrassed. But at least I didn't smell like pee.

In the Market for a New Home?

Banita Jacks' home is still on the market. Most of you recall last year's tragedy, where US Marshals discovered the decomposing bodies of Banita's four children. A year later, the home has been put for auction without success and is now listed for sale in many publications. Now I may not be a qualified expert in real estate, but if you're going to be in charge of selling something with such an infamous history, try to spruce the place up a little. WTOP has the story, but if you're the agent trying to sell the house - Carlton Hill - why not put a fresh coat of paint on the walls where the bodies were found? If you want that commission, Mr. Hill, I'd be a little more proactive.

24/7 Sunglasses

I was walking to my car around 10PM tonight in Old Town Alexandria and saw it. That guy walking with a group of friends. Wearing sunglasses. At night.

What the F.

I wanted to smack them off his face. I mean seriously. Is that the new look? The popped collar for 2009? When I was in college, you'd see them everyone now and then. The guy wearing sunglasses in class, or the guy wearing them on the metro while it was underground. I'd laugh it off, but it seems like there's a looming tsunami. Pretty soon every yuppie at UVA will do it and will try to infect the rest of the Old Dominion like he started the movement. Y'all need to cut that ish out. Honestly, there are only two types of people that wear sunglasses all the time: arrogant SOBs and divas...

Restaurant Week

Today kicks off a perennial DC event: Restaurant Week. It's a pretty good deal. Prices for a multi-course meal are $20.09/$35.09 for lunch/dinner. And due to the depressing economic conditions, some restaurants are even extending their RW deals indefinitely. I've been to a few places for RW, and I can say that it's definitely a good excuse to go to that ultra-expensive steakhouse or wine bar you've been wanting to go to but didn't want to fork over primo dinero for a meal. Or if you're looking to blow that meager tax refund that just hit your savings account, here's your chance.

Marion Barry Is Just Not That Into You

Oh, Marion Barry. What do you have that makes D.C. so into you? It was nearly two decades ago when we all witnessed your glorious crack-smoking wonder years. Life was so much easier for you back then. Until it all came crashing down one starry night at the Vista Hotel where your ex-girlfriend-turned-FBI-informant ratted you out to the Feds in an undercover sting.

So after you get out of prison from your drug charges, what did you do? You ran for D.C. Council under the slogan, "He May Not Be Perfect, But He's Perfect for D.C." You won with 70% of the vote. Oh, and after you won your council seat, you then ran for Mayor and won.

If D.C. could ever be likened to a prostitute, Marion Barry would undoubtedly be its pimp.

But history has a tendency to repeat itself, and in Barry's case, it's like a bad re-run. So when the IRS investigated him in 2005 for failing to pay his taxes for the previous five years (1999-2004), should we have been so surprised that Barry failed his mandatory drug screening prior to the hearing? Not only did he test positive for cocaine, but marijuana as well. So not only did he violate his probation and receive drug counseling, he was also charged with failing to pay his federal and state taxes. And what heavy sentence did D.C. levy as punishment? More probation.

Did you know a Secret Service officer charged Marion Barry in 2006 with a DUI? Did you also know Barry was acquitted several months later?

But now Barry has gone and gotten a complicated thing like taxes involved in his shenanigans again. Aw snap. Paying taxes on time is tough enough for anyone, but can you imagine how hard that is if you're a cokehead? And a diabetic? And suffering from kidneyitis? I can already tell you what the outcome of any future charges filed against Marion Barry will be. Probation. And maybe a free consultation with H&R Block. For someone elected as a public servant - and being paid by D.C. taxpayers - you'd think residents would wise up by now and get a new pimp.

Face it, D.C., Marion Barry is just not that into you.

I Miss the Old Facebook

Remember when Facebook was just for you and your college friends? When you would just poke your friends or send drunken wall comments at 3am? Maybe 'friend' the people you met at a party for about 5 minutes before leaving to go puke behind a Ford Taurus?

I miss that.

I am guilty of 80% of the following, so please put the hypocrisy comments on the shelf and indulge me for a minute. The new Facebook. Where do I begin? Now you got people from all over getting Facebook accounts. Your parents. Your boss. Your younger sibling that just went into middle school. Stalkers, pedophiles, and the like. The walls have come down. Facebook is the new MySpace. And I hate it. Now you can become a "fan" of something- pizza, a congressman, algebra, pro-life rallys, etc. Now you can write up your "Random 25" list and tag all your friends so they can read what personal things you put on your profile. Now you can upload applications to your profile that show your favorite sports team's schedule, or what kind of alcohol you like to drink.

One thing that has been bothering me is the use of the Facebook "notes" as a digital soapbox for all to read. It's a new kind of passive aggression where people can write about their deepest beliefs, almost begging for people to challenge them in an online spar of wits. You'll notice these are the people - were it not for things like Facebook - that you'd have no clue they even had things that got them so agitated. I'm not knocking Amendment Numero Uno at all. It's just that people are now able to spew whatever grieves them onto their friends' newsfeed.

Oh and that Facebook newsfeed is the worst. No, I don't care who just split up or who commented on somebody's photo. What's that- oh look somebody just sent me a virtual beer. At least you're able to turn off all these notifications. If I couldn't do that, I'd probably go insane.

I guess my point is that Facebook has turned the meaningless and trivial into a big deal. People are hooked into knowing every new detail about a friend's life. And that's absurd, because most of us have people on our friend list that we have no idea as to who they are or how you even met. I read that social networking sites are responsible for about $8 billion in lost productivity. Maybe that's why my company finally blocked access to it. What I'm trying to say is, that if something is important, you'd find a better way to communicate your ideas. Maybe have a real discussion with a real friend. Maybe write a penpal an actual letter. Maybe pick up the phone and call someone (no texting). Or if you don't have friends, maybe it's because nobody wants to hear what you have to say. And the only way for people to hear it is to write something that pops up in their newsfeed. But that's just me, I could be wrong.

Busted!

So one of my favorite ways to waste time at work is to surf the Fairfax County Arrest/Ticket Search on the Fairfax Underground site. This arrest/ticket search pulls FCPD records on anyone charged by county police. There's a lot of fun things to search for. Friends, family, neighbors, people you went to school with, etc. One of the more stalker-ish things I started doing was to search for famous people. Jim Zorn, Gilbert Arenas, Clinton Portis, Dick Cheney, Colin Powell, etc...

Go ahead and search for me. I'm squeaky clean. However, my parents aren't.

Paul Blart: Mall Blog

That movie looks like it's the worst thing to get pooped out of Hollywood producers since Gigli. Of course I haven't seen it for myself, I just read the reviews and let the critics think for me. But honestly, any movie with commercials that make me want to junkpunch authority figures with mustaches can't be that good.

Then I got to thinking about the two black holes of suckitude in the 703: Springfield Mall and Landmark Mall. Back in the '90s, they used to be decent places to go and hang out until your parents were ready to pick you up. Can you believe hanging out at a mall used to be cool (seriously)? They used to give the relatively new Tysons Corner a run for its money. I don't know why, but it seems like these two malls were the only things that got taken out by the Y2K snafu. Ever since then, they've had a slow and miserable decline. It's like watching your dog get Alzheimer's and then not die.

Chances are, if you've been to one of them recently -within the last 7 years- you'll make the keen observation that nothing is there except Macy's, shady jewelry stores, a martial arts place that makes loser kids whose parents have too much money feel like they can stand up to bullies (and then get punched out by said bullies), a Ritz Camera, Sports Authority, and an over-abundance of criminals. And who could forget the fact that FCPD has their own space in Springfield Mall? Which hasn't deterred any criminal activity since the invention of handcuffs. Yep- I wouldn't go to either of those two malls by myself at night. In fact, I'd just as soon take a stroll in SE DC. Come to think of it- the only reason I've even been to Landmark Mall is for the Chik-fil-A in their food court.

Fast-forward to 2008. After a decade of being Pentagon City and Tysons Corner's jock strap, these two malls are getting a face lift a la Reston/Dulles Town Centers. Springfield Mall will become Springfield Town Center and Landmark Mall will become Landmark Village.

Based on the developers' line of reasoning, the re-emergence of shoppers to these places will benefit the local economy (and their wallets) by diverting people away from Pentagon City and Tysons. Will it work? Maybe at first. But I have my doubts. Springfield and Landmark haven't figured out what to do with their parking lot muggers, stabbers, and gangbangers. I don't think an increase of town center patrons will do anything except increase the number of crimes committed against them.

Making a Living

Happy hours in the DC area are as commonplace as bums begging for change outside a metro station. You can't escape them. If your co-workers aren't sending you a Microsoft Outlook calendar planner, some random college friend is sending you the latest Facebook invite. The sad thing is that every happy hour is the same. Everyone talks about their recent office achievements in some sort of grandiose way, like what they did was singular in the universe and vital to the survival of their organization. The sadder thing is that everyone involved in the conversation knows it's complete BS anyways, yet people are still compelled to boast their significance. That's life in DC. If people aren't bragging about their job title, they're bragging about their employer.

I went to Australia a for the better part of three weeks and came away with one simple realization. We are far more concerned about making a living than we are with just living. Maybe that's just the corporate lifestyle. But one thing is for sure, Americans are so wrapped up in making enough money that they lose sight of everything else. Paying bills, a mortgage, health costs, car payments, etc. It's so easy to lose sight of important things like family, self-contentment, and just enjoying life. Think about it: the overwhelming majority of people work jobs they don't enjoy for decades in the hopes they'll have enough money to retire. I feel like there is a despairing resignation among most people who just accept the "fact" that you have to work most of your life doing a job you don't get much satisfaction from and then hope they have the money to retire and then enjoy life.

I'm vehemently trying to go against this. I want to be able to enjoy my life and not feel like I have to sacrifice happiness for a paycheck. I don't want to get consumed with the status quo. Or become complacent with the way things are. I don't want to spend 65 years in an office and then do the things I want to do. I don't know if I could justify a lifetime of 9-5 in a cubicle just to be able to retire comfortably until I died. Part of me wants to move to Australia and open a jet-ski/scuba rental business on the beach. I may not get rich, but I would have a lot of interesting stories along the way. Maybe it's not about who has the most toys or money. Maybe it's more about who has the most fun. But that's just me. I could be wrong.

Game Night

Tonight I'm going to a game night at a friend's house in Manassas. When I got the email last week, it said "bring any game you want". I'm pretty sure "game night" pertains to board games. But one of my favorite games is beer pong. After I read that email, I immediately wondered if I had any ping pong balls in my apartment. Am I an alcoholic? Or just an admirer of booze?

However, I felt some relief when my sister called this morning. She asked what I was doing this weekend, and I told her about the game night tonight. She asked if I was going to play flip cup. Another classic game. Then I realized it wasn't bad that I thought to bring ping pong balls, Solo cups, and a case of Miller Lite. To be honest, I spent just as many years playing drinking games as I did playing those classic board games like Scrabble, Clue, or Sorry.

When my girlfriend was alerted to my plan, she said "are you serious"? Not to speak ill of my lesser half, but she was just not on the same page as me. Which I can understand. I'm not in college anymore. And I guess if the courts can try me as an adult, then technically I am an adult. But I think drinking games can bring people together more so than bored games. The level of competition is there, but with drinking games, you're drinking. Not saying you can't have fun and not drink. I have heaps of fun sober. But when I think of "game night" and being an adult, I associate with drinking games moreso than board games.

So I figured I'd bring a deck of cards. Maybe we'll play Kings.

Initial Entry

2009. Some say it's the year of hope. Or change. Some even says it's the year of the Ox. For me, 2009 is the same as any year (so far). And the point of this blog is to show that no matter what day it is, crazy things will always happen. Especially around this town. Washington, DC.

There used to be a stark contrast between DC and northern Virginia living. Not so much these days. Now it's like they're conjoined twins. You can't tell where one ends and the other begins. There are obvious benefits and disadvantages to this. One benefit is the "DC culture". I just used quotes there because DC culture is different than "DC culture". The latter is the international flavor that permeates the town with restaurants, embassy events, non-profit organizations, and performances at the Kennedy Center. It also adds to the omnipresence of DC's political and media scene. I don't think I've ever gone a day in DC without eating something from some asian- or spanish-infused restaurant, nearly getting struck down by some diplomat that can't drive, or going to a happy hour and meeting someone that works at one of the 3 billion non-profits operating out of DC.

The 703 isn't any better. I'm just saying. There seems to be a tapas bar, Japanese steakhouse, or PF Chang's around every corner. Clearly, there's no shortage of bad drivers here. Arrogance abounds here since 703 counties are some of the most expensive places to live. But that just goes back to what I was saying about conjoined twins. There's good and bad. The other one is right in your face 24/7. Unless, of course, they're connected at the butt. Then that's just gross...yet still scientifically fascinating.