WWHMD?

What would Hank Moody do?

No, really.

I find myself asking that a lot these days. Nevermind the complete and electronic climax that is Californication. I always wonder if someone can be a royal screw-up yet still be mildly successful. Life imitates art. Or is it the other way around? I've been silent for quite some time on this thing and while you may have a lot of questions about that, you'll find that I do too.

I've heard some people can be attributed as having a "Type A" personality. Meaning they take things seriously, are focused on their organizational skills, and are frequently OCD. I think this is the polite way of saying that a person is anal. And not in the homo way. I'm talking about the annoying, awful, angry, antsy, awkward, and arrogant way. We all know who these people are. I have a hard time differentiating between these people and the rest of the populace that just annoys the crap out of me.

I automatically associate any short, fat, and bald man to be a chode. Not because he is one. He could be a jolly old soul for all I know. But to me, they just look like a walking phallus.

I always wonder what people did before the internet to waste time at work. I am currently pondering this now as I multitask between writing this juicy piece, doing some light Facebook stalking, reading up on DCist, and browsing the BBC website. Were we more productive in the pre-internet era?

Nothing slows down the passing of time quite like a healthy session of self-loathing.

I think one of the most annoying things someone can do is stand too close to a microphone. Especially when their script has a lot of words that contain the consonant "P". You know what I'm talking about. That "puh" sound that booms across the mic. It's horrible. And yes, I will walk out on your crappy speech if you do it again.

I honestly believe that the majority of the world's narcissism is rooted in parents repeatedly telling their kids how special and unique they are. Genetically, this is true. That's where it ends. That line of thinking eventually makes people believe they are better than others or entitled to more. It just goes downhill from there.

I was really hoping some kind of freak accident would occur during my LASIK surgery that would let me shoot lasers from my eyes. Like that X-Men guy. That would be awesome. Although having to wear sunglasses all the time would make me look like a douche. Right, Bono?