Paul Blart: Mall Blog

That movie looks like it's the worst thing to get pooped out of Hollywood producers since Gigli. Of course I haven't seen it for myself, I just read the reviews and let the critics think for me. But honestly, any movie with commercials that make me want to junkpunch authority figures with mustaches can't be that good.

Then I got to thinking about the two black holes of suckitude in the 703: Springfield Mall and Landmark Mall. Back in the '90s, they used to be decent places to go and hang out until your parents were ready to pick you up. Can you believe hanging out at a mall used to be cool (seriously)? They used to give the relatively new Tysons Corner a run for its money. I don't know why, but it seems like these two malls were the only things that got taken out by the Y2K snafu. Ever since then, they've had a slow and miserable decline. It's like watching your dog get Alzheimer's and then not die.

Chances are, if you've been to one of them recently -within the last 7 years- you'll make the keen observation that nothing is there except Macy's, shady jewelry stores, a martial arts place that makes loser kids whose parents have too much money feel like they can stand up to bullies (and then get punched out by said bullies), a Ritz Camera, Sports Authority, and an over-abundance of criminals. And who could forget the fact that FCPD has their own space in Springfield Mall? Which hasn't deterred any criminal activity since the invention of handcuffs. Yep- I wouldn't go to either of those two malls by myself at night. In fact, I'd just as soon take a stroll in SE DC. Come to think of it- the only reason I've even been to Landmark Mall is for the Chik-fil-A in their food court.

Fast-forward to 2008. After a decade of being Pentagon City and Tysons Corner's jock strap, these two malls are getting a face lift a la Reston/Dulles Town Centers. Springfield Mall will become Springfield Town Center and Landmark Mall will become Landmark Village.

Based on the developers' line of reasoning, the re-emergence of shoppers to these places will benefit the local economy (and their wallets) by diverting people away from Pentagon City and Tysons. Will it work? Maybe at first. But I have my doubts. Springfield and Landmark haven't figured out what to do with their parking lot muggers, stabbers, and gangbangers. I don't think an increase of town center patrons will do anything except increase the number of crimes committed against them.